Girl Crush 101

So you're probably thinking, 'Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?!!?' But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.

But let's talk about something serious: girl crushes. Everyone has them. Everyone wants to be one. So today I'm focusing on the (famous) loves-of-my-life...starting with:

5. Grace Potter
Sigh, it was love at first listen and then mega girl crush at first sight. Who can argue with her ridiculously hot, orgasmic, hair-whipping frenzied moaning Apologies-ridden Aura? NO ONE. Because she is a babe. End of story.
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You try making an organ sexy. I dare you.
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The fringy bang never looked so good.
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Bow down to 'ole GPotter .
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Oh my gah, those boots, those gams, those glasses, that belt--too much to handle. Squeeze you like a key lime is right.

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4. Kate Hudson

Clearly from a different planet. Yeah, ok, so she's blonde and tiny and has a freak-of-nature six pack. Big whip...

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Her hair looks like a billowy pillow of softness that you could just wrap yourself in and die of happiness. Sigh.
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Holla, Almost Famous throwback. I salute your natty spunch-sprayed look.
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3. Beyonce

I mean, seriously, does this woman even need an introduction? Duh, no, she doesn't. Girl is hot. And fabulous. And I'm not entirely convinced that her skin isn't made of velvet. Yum, she is delicious.
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Check up on it? Yes, please?
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2. Gwyneth Paltrow
I bet you five whole dollars that my girl Gwynny P is a mega hardcore bitch in real life. And that only makes me love her more. That, and the fact that she's married to that weird-o lead singer from Coldplay. And that her firstborn is named after one of my favorite fruits. And that she starred as the best character ever in The Royal Tenenbaums. So bitch on, Gwyn. Bitch on.
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Yeah, so she needs to eat a burger or four. I don't care. True love doesn't judge emaciation.
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Fuck me sideways I'm obsessed with her.
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And finally, let me introduce you to the one and only...

1. GWEN STEFANI LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!!

It all started back in the fourth grade. There I was--nasty, (literally) dirty blonde girl, baggy T-shirt, homemade knee-length jorts and a mouthful of heinous crooked teeth. One day the sun decided to shine its light on my disgustingness by giving me a little listen to No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom.

The rest was mofo history. I loved. I pined. I wanted to be Gwen Stefani. (Well, kind of, not really, but still, my very first girl crush emerged!!) And I chose wisely, if I do say so myself.

Take a look:

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Red lipssss I know you're the one.

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This pink/platinum look makes me weak in the knees.

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PHOTO MONTAGE FROM THE BEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER CREATED!!!!!
ever.
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Ten+ years later, my heart will go on and on...
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So I realize that the majority of these hoes look pretty much the same (i.e., tall, hot, blonde, white, bitchy). Don't hate. A girl can't control who she falls in crush with, and please--don't you think I know that broads like Salma Hayek, Iman, Penelope Cruz, Halle Berry, blahblahblah are in a totally different category of hot? UmmDuh.
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Class dismissed.